Gomenasai
by Bebbe5
Summary: The toughts of Alexander after he have lost the most important person of his whole life. It's the first fanfiction I've ever written.


Notes by the author: Hi, this is my first story on . I've already published it on an Italian website and I'd like to know what you think about that. Please, keep in mind I'm an Italian girl trying to improve her English so help me fixing the errors that, for sure will be in it.

And now, let's start.

The corridors of the palace had never appeared so empty to him. Or maybe he just had never realized that, so happy and peaceful he was. This was before…. before everything fell on him, before he left him forever.

"Oh, why did you leave?"

He kept murmuring between the salty tears that were freely flowing on his cheeks.

He picked up one of them with his finger and watched it, like he was hoping to find in it a memory of those eyes that made him feel loved and safe, of those bright light blue gems, sometimes green, sometimes grey, in which he saw the sky, the rivers, the meadows, the world.

**What I thought wasn't mine  
In the light  
Wasn't one of a kind,  
A precious pearl**

He had realized just now, how much he had been unfair with him, how much he had hurt him by placing her before him. He had a treasure and he didn't fully know.

**When I wanted to cry  
I couldn't cause I  
Wasn't allowed**

He still remembered his eyes, the night of his wedding, They were full of tears that he refused to let fall, like he wasn't allowed to be sad in front of his king, in front of his Alexander.

**Gomenasai for everything  
Gomenasai, I know I let you down  
Gomenasai till the end  
I never needed a friend  
Like I do now**

"Forgive me my friend, my life, my love". Oh, how much he wanted to say those words!

He was sure that they would have meant so much for the other, even if he would have hidden it by saying: " There's nothing to forgive. It has been wonderful staying with you".

**What I thought wasn't all  
So innocent  
Was a delicate doll  
Of porcelain**

How he seemed so fragile to him in that bed, soaked wet, but clutched by shivers of cold.

And that damn goblet on the little table…. "Why did you dink?" Damn her! He wanted to kill her, but he couldn't let this sin fall on a defenseless and innocent child. He wasn't Philip, a barbarian, he was Alexander the Great and he wouldn't have rejected his son, like he did.

**When I wanted to call you  
And ask you for help  
I stopped myself**

"You wanted to reassure me with your eyes, to say that you would have never leave me."

His Hephaistion had never let, not even during his last minutes of life, his Sun to be darkened by compassion and sadness for him and he, Alexander, has tried to please him.

**What I thought was a dream  
A mirage  
Was as real as it seemed  
A privilege  
When I wanted to tell you  
I made a mistake  
I walked away **

But he has been selfish. When his friend mostly needed him, what did he do? He had started to imagine a future, in which he too believed faintly, but that seemed beautiful, almost a privilege, a mirage, a dream "But how beautiful it was" He said in whisper those which were going to be his last words, while a hand of his Sun was leaning on his forehead, almost as if he wanted to give him courage and strength:" But you never needed it, didn't you?" said Alexander while desperation kept growing inside him.

**Gomenasai, for everything  
Gomenasai, Gomenasai,  
Gomenasai,  
I never needed a friend,  
Like I do now  
Gomenasai, I let you down  
Gomenasai, Gomenasai,  
Gomenasai till the end  
I never needed a friend  
Like I do now**

And what did he, Alexander, do? He had let him be transported by his emotions and he hadn't realized that the Moires had already cut his friend's life, his brother's life, his lover's life thread.

I had turned and seen him there, with open eyes which weren't seeing anymore, and with semi-opened mouth, like he wanted to say farewell to his Sun.

He had thrown himself on the bed and he had hugged him with as many strength as he could, shouting desperately. He had had the doctor killed but of what use could it had been?

Nothing would have handed back the reason of his life, nothing.

And desperation, just for a moment, had been replaced by angst, when he had scene all his companion standing there, with hold still faces, emotionless, maybe sad, or maybe only hypocritical masks.

They had hated him so much, just because he was the only one worthy of his full attention.

"You hated him! All of you!!!" How much hatred he had put in those words, and he wasn't regretting it.

His steps had taken him exactly in front of his bedroom. He entered silently, like he was fearing to wake him up: "Oh, how much I wish it were like that !" he said to himself.

He was still there, where he had left him.

He went near the bed and kneeled to the edge of it.

"Forgive me" he said after a moment of silence " Forgive me if I make you suffer, if I've always considered you less than you deserved. I've never been worth of you. But this is a promise: when we'll meet again, there will be just the two of us. We'll be like Achilles and Patroclus and any Roxanne will be there to divide us. Wait for me, Hephaistion, I love you."

And, with that, he placed his head on the other's chest and fell asleep.

THE END

Well, maybe it was boring, an already-red story, but it was the first I've written.

Please leave a comment and let me know what do you think about that.

Kisses

Bebbe5


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